"Parental approval and disapproval provide a child's first and most profound lessons about the moral standards of community and society."
I think we need to remember in opportunities of giving feedback, whether it be good or bad, we do it in a loving way. Whether we need to be firm or overly excited, our children will learn profound lessons if we let them. We must teach with love.
Specifically, a love and logic class taught us about responding with empathy. They gave the example of a parent who had warned the child of the dangers of falling and getting hurt in a specific situation. The child chose to ignore the parents suggestion and ended up getting hurt. Instead of using expressions like, "I told you so", or "Serves you right", or "What did I just tell you", they encouraged us to only show empathy. They recommend the phrase, "I'm so sorry you are hurt." PERIOD. End it there. No criticism necessary. An angry response will usually scare the child.
In light of a positive response, we would respond with, "I'm so glad everything worked out for you", or "I'm so excited for you and for how happy you are.". We should avoid comments like, "Aren't you glad you listened to me", or "Looks like your mom knows what she's taking about." In both scenarios, you are giving the child the opportunity to OWN the outcomes of the decisions they made.
Parental approval and disapproval is not something that goes away as kids grow up and move out. As we know, it continues into their adult life. Learning how to show approval and disapproval with love is a skill that will serve us till the day we die. A skill worth working on.
ReplyDeleteI like your Love and Logic examples. I could definitely be more aware in how I respond to my kids and improve when I don't let them own the outcome. Maybe Love and Logic would be a good book to read next? I know you have read it, but I haven't :)
P14p2 reads...
ReplyDelete"In my opinion, teaching children to be moral provides the greatest joys of parenthood, the most fun, and the greatest satisfaction."
Isn't that what every parent wants from all the time, effort and love that goes into raising a child? We are on the right track. We teach morality and we will have, in his opinion, great joys, fun and satisfaction :) I am in!